Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
