my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
