they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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