I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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