Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
