Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
