just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
