Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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