She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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