I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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