At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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