when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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