My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
