My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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