i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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