I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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