I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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