I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
