My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
