If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize