I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
