the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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