I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
