My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
