i need an iv and a liver transplant
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
