what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
