Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
