sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
