The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
