don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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