I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
