Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
