The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
i think my cat just said my name.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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