Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
