He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
