his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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