I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
