I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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