Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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