So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
