I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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