Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
