Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Life without a bra equals bliss.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm sobbing to NWA
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
