good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
