I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
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