John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
And then my night got REAL pukey
So apparently I’m into choking now
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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