youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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