My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
