I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
