Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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