Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
