Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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