You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
