we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
