You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize