I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
