Got a toothbrush?
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize