my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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