Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
we're making bets on your personal life
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Randomize
