remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
