I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
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